


A Thawed Flower

by hollow_one23



Category: Ssanghwajeom | A Frozen Flower (2008)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollow_one23/pseuds/hollow_one23
Summary: During Hong Lim's fight with the King, he comes to a realization that might have come too late. Character death





	A Thawed Flower

“Did you ever once love me?”

“No, sire. Not once.”

It was a lie. Of course it was a lie. How could I not have loved you all these years? But the words will not come out, my tongue kept forming these lies and I could not stop it. I love the queen. I honestly do. But the way I love her is so different from the way I love you. I love the way you make me feel. I love how easy it is to smile around you. I love the warm glances you send my way when no one is watching. I love the way you believe in protecting your country, protecting your people.

_ Why can I not say this out loud? Why do I keep sprouting these lies? _

The look on your face as these words leave my lips makes my heart ache so much. To see the despair in your eyes as you accept these lies, I don’t know what to say. How to take it back. How to make you understand that they are lies.

My shoulder is starting to radiate with pain from the blade piercing it. You intentionally didn’t stab me very deep, hoping that you wouldn’t need to push the blade any farther. And you didn’t. 

Instead you close your eyes and take a soft breath. In one fell swoop you pull your blade out of my shoulder and rip mine out of my hands. The pain surges from my shoulder and I double over. You take a few steps back. The blades hanging loosely by your sides. I look up at you, but you do not look at me. Your eyes are closed, your face relaxed, and your breath is steady. I know this look. This is the look you have when you come to a decision. I have seen it so often during my time with you.

_ This is where I die. _

Your arm extends the blade high in the air. I close my eyes, bowing my head as I wait for the blow that will end me.

But it doesn’t come.

I hear the group of guards to my right gasp. I look up to see your blade on the ground, and mine in your side. You are still gripping the handle, and I see the force you muster to force the blade deeper.

“NO!” The word leaves my mouth in a scream as I see you stumble back into the wall.

The pain in my shoulder is forgotten about as I straighten and rush to your side. I help lower you to a seated position and start to assess the wound. My hands are shaking as I reach for your robes. Anyone else would see this and assume they are shaking from the pain of my own wounds, but that pain has been forgotten in the weave of grief that has washed over me. Contrary to my own shaking, your hands are steady as they grip mine.

“Stop.” You mutter the words so clearly and with such force that I immediately look to your face. You have a small smile on your face, and though your eyes are filled with tears, they hold a look of acceptance. “You lied to me again.”

_ Of course I lied. How can you think any of that was true? Are you testing me? Because this is not a fair test. _

Your face constricts in pain as the blood on your robes grow. I am still shaking when I look to my old companions. Waiting for their aid.

“What are you doing? Go fetch a doctor!” But no one moves.

_ Do they not understand that their king is dying? Go get help! _

“Go! Hurry!” Two of the youngest rush out of the hall, going to find help. The rest stay and watch me, looking for any sign that I intend to cause further harm to their king.

I turn my gaze back to the king. To my king. I start to rip fabric off of myself to use on your wound when I remove the blade. Once my hand reaches it, all the guards behind me shift, ready to attack. I decide to ignore them and pull the blade out. It immediately falls to the ground and my hands rush to cover the now open wound with fabric.

I’m so focused on trying to get the blood to stop that I don’t notice your hand reaching up to me. When it touches my face, I jump and immediately move my gaze to your face.

“Stop.” Your voice is quiet and calmer as you speak. “Stop.”

I shake my head. Tears running down my face as I look at you.

_ What do I say? What do I do? _

Your hand softly pats my cheek and you move to push my hands from your side. I resist and look at you in desperation.

“Please.” I beg you and your hands stop as you look at me. “Please.”

Another smile graces your lips as you say it again, “Liar.”

“Yes, yes, I am a liar. I will not deny that any longer so please, please just hold on.” My voice becomes desperate as I feel your blood start to seep through the fabric in my hands. Tears are still streaming down my face, blurring my vision, but I don’t dare move to wipe them away. I have to keep applying pressure.

“It pained me so much, when I knew I lost you to her. That you were not mine any longer.”

“What are you saying? You never lost me. I was being selfish. Selfish and foolish, and I couldn’t see past the confusion I put myself in.”

“I know that you bear a strong love for her. I would not expect love from you when you can not give it to me. I have always known you care for me, that you never truly wished me dead. That you put up with me and my whims out of a sense of duty to the throne. Out of a sense of respect I instilled in you when you were still so young.”

_ No, it’s not true. I love you. That was never false.  _

“No, no, that’s not it. Please. Please just…” My words stop when I hear the queen’s voice. She is pushing through the guard, calling for me. I look to the side and see her standing there. Her gaze is locked on me and she begins to cry out for me. I look back at you and see an understanding smile aimed at her and then at me.

“Go to her. Go to her and leave with her. Do not look back, just keep riding.” I can feel my whole body start to tremble as the words leave your mouth. 

I look back to the queen, she makes a move toward me but is stopped by the guards. Looking at her struggle against the arms holding her back, and feeling your blood begin to leak from between my fingers, I start to shake my head. My eyes lock on hers, and I see her efforts double.

“No.” That one word causes the queen to immediately cease her struggle with the guards.

“What?” A look of devastation begins to grow on her face.

“No.” I whip my head back to look at you. My features growing stern and my determination setting in. “No. I will not leave. I am not leaving with the queen. I am not leaving this palace. And I am not leaving you.”

“Hong Lim-ah…” You begin to speak but I don’t want to hear the words that are about to leave your lips.

“I am not leaving, sire. Not by your order, and not in chains. I will leave here by your side. Whether that be to the infirmary or in death.” Your face brightens with alarm. The queen begins to sob, renewing her struggle.

“What are you…”

“I. Am. Not. Leaving.” I punctuate every word so that there is no doubt that you, the guards, and the queen have heard them. “I am a liar. I lied to you about my relationship with the queen. I lied to you about my feelings for her. And I lied to you about my feelings for you.” The words leave my mouth in such a rush that I have to stop and catch my breath. “But I will not lie any longer.”

“What do you mean?” I look you straight in the eyes, and with my voice loud and clear I answer.

“Yes. I love the queen. I do. I will not lie to you about that.” Your eyes begin to water, and I hear the queen release a sob behind me. But I do not pause long enough to give you the chance to respond. “But never, never has any love I’ve had for her outshined my love for you.”

There is an instant silence that fills the hall. I can hear the queen take a stuttering breath, not having expected those words to leave my mouth. You look at me with eyes wide and mouth agape.

_ How long has it been since I left you without words? _

A small smile forms on my lips. And I let a little laugh slip through my teeth. I look at you and try to express every single emotion I have so that you can understand.

“I’m sorry, sire. I’m sorry about everything. I was so foolish, and I betrayed you. I betrayed the queen. I betrayed my guards, my friends. And I betrayed myself. I felt something that I had never felt before with the queen. Of that I have no doubt. But with that came the immense guilt that I could not control. Being with her brought me a pleasure I could not explain, but it also brought me such sadness and shame. Every time I looked at her, the shame felt like it would break me. But when I looked at you, when you knew nothing about our relationship, the sadness overwhelmed me to the point that I wanted death. 

“That night, that was the night that I was going to end it. I was going to tell the queen that while I cared for her, she could never replace you in my heart. But it never happened. So many things happened so fast, and the next thing I knew, I got news that the queen is pregnant. I immediately started to feel so many things, and I didn’t know how to process them. I felt sorrow at myself for bringing it on us. I felt shame that the queen is with child, and that it is mine. But most of all, I felt such anger at you for making me lay with her, for if you hadn’t, nothing would have changed between us. None of this would have happened.”

I stop to take a breath. You are looking at me with such sadness. I felt a sob begin to build in my chest. When it forces its way out, I double over and bury my face in your chest. My legs give out from under me and despite knowing it must cause you pain, I lay myself on you. Regardless of all this, I continue.

“I came here with that anger and it was the only thing that was driving me. I was so filled with rage that I truly came here with the intention to kill you.” Another sob breaks out of my chest but is muffled by your chest. “But I can’t. I can’t do it!”

More sobs break free from my chest as your hand begins to pat my head.

“I’m sorry Hong Lim-ah. I am no good as a king, or as a husband, and most of all, I am no good for you. All I do is bring you pain and suffering. I am willing to do whatever I have to in order to bring a smile to your face. Even if that means leaving this world and leaving you and the queen to live and love.” Anger once again begins to bloom in my chest.

“No! Have you not been listening to me!?” I pull back to look into your face. “I do not want to be with the queen. I do not need her! I tried to tell myself I did, that I wanted her but I don’t. I want you. I have always wanted you. So please, please just understand that I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone.” As I finish my sentence, I can hear the queen gasp and strengthen her struggle with the guards. Before she can get a word out, she is dragged out of the hall. I turn and watch her be led around the corner. Slightly surprised that I feel nothing seeing her leave my line of sight. 

As I turn to look at you again, your hand lands on my face.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could change things. I wish I could change everything.” Your hand has become like ice. It raises the hair on the back of my neck, and I am startled by the sudden change. I look at your face and see that it has become pale. Your blood has stopped flowing as fast, and my heart starts to race as I begin to panic.

“Where is the doctor!? We don’t have much time!” I shout to the guards, my voice beginning to tremble with fear. I can feel a rush of adrenaline surge as my panic increases. Ignoring this you begin to speak again.

“Hong Lim-ah. It’s over.” You say it with such conviction that I begin to break down into more sobs. You speak again, louder but weak. You grab the attention of the guards. Their stance immediately straightens as they prepare to receive an order from their king. “Hong Lim is not to be harmed. He is not the cause of my death. I was killed by an assassin who has escaped the palace despite how Hong Lim and my guards fought him. You have been witness to these events. It is with great respect and appreciation of all your years of service to me that I address you now. I have only three final orders to pass.”

“Yes, sire.” All of the guards kneel to the ground, ready to accept the king’s words.

“First, you are never to speak about the events that have taken place here today. Second, you are to protect Hong Lim and the queen to the best of your abilities, no harm is to come to them.” I begin to feel faint as your words continue. “Finally, I order you to take Hong Lim away from here. Take him to my quarters, he is to stay there until the time of my mourning. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sire.” The guards bow and move to stand. My eyes are glued to yours as I process the words that have left your mouth.

_ What are you saying? Take me away? Mourning? No! _

“Now, come and take him. Do not let him stay here any longer.” I begin to gasp for air as I start to understand what you are doing. I hear the rush of the guards standing and moving up behind me. I start to panic, grasping your robes tight in my fists.

“No! Please!” Two guards grab my arms, ripping me away from the king. My eyes are glued to him, pleading with him, begging him to let me stay. I begin to struggle against their grip, trying to break free to return to your side. When I have finally shaken them off, I rush towards you. I wrap my arms around your neck and plead into your ear. “Please, no. Please. I don’t want to leave you! Don’t make me leave! Please!”

The guards are back, trying to pull me from you. Before they have the chance to stop me, I crash my lips onto yours. It has been ages since we kissed, and I never want it to end. Tears begin to cascade down my face, mixing with the blood and sweat on our skin. You reach your hands up and hold me.

_ Yes, hold me. Don’t let me go. I won’t leave you. Never again. _

Then you gently push me away, into the arms of the guards and I am again being dragged away. You look at me with such love and sorrow in your eyes. The smile that graces your face filled with sadness. I begin to cry out to you again. I beg the guards, my former comrades, to let me go. To let me return to you. But no matter how much I struggle, they do not let me go. I am getting further and further away from you and I am beginning to panic. Before I turn the corner, I see your hands go limp at your sides and your eyes go lifeless.

“No!” My cry rings through the halls.

The guards take me to your quarters. They stay stationed all around the room. Not allowing me the chance to break free and return to you. No matter how I cry and plead they do not budge. For hours I bang on the doors and scream until my voice turns hoarse. Finally, when my voice is gone and my body is weak, I turn to the room. My gaze immediately lands on the bed. The same one we spent so many nights on. Wrapped in each other’s embrace.

I move to sit on its edge and it welcomes me like an old friend, my fingers gliding along the silken sheets that fill so many of my memories. I turn and lay back, resting my head on your pillow. Within seconds I am immediately consumed by the smell of you. The gentle scent of the oil used when brushing your hair, the soft smell of flowers that follows you after a bath. Scents that I can only associate with you. I bury my face in your pillow to completely envelope myself in you, unable to repress my lingering sobs.

_ My king. My king. Please. Why? What have I done? _

The thoughts race through my head. Along with images of you. Memories that surface begin to rapidly flash through my brain. Each one of them forces another sob, another tear, another gasp to escape my body. Despite my best efforts, I cannot fight the exhaustion that has gripped my body. And the urge to sleep suddenly envelopes me. Before I know it, I drift off, tears still soaking into your pillow.

I dream of the us from so long ago. Of you, the young king, and myself, still just a boy. A time when we were both so happy.

* * *

To wake from that dream felt like being pierced by one hundred arrows. My body is lying gently wrapped in your sheets. I can feel the weight of cotton bandages covering my wounds. Someone must have come in while I was sleeping to care for my injuries. The soft sunlight filtering into the room lands on someone kneeling next to the door. 

_ No Tak. _

Upon hearing the rustling caused by my attempts to sit up, No Tak raises his head. He immediately stands and rushes to assist me. Once I am stabilized, leaning against the headboard, he turns and lifts a tray from the floor. On it are two bowls. One of steaming porridge, the other a bowl of foul looking liquid. He places the tray beside me and sighs.

“You have been asleep for almost a week. Song Ki-hyung had a physician in to treat your wounds five nights ago. Until you are fully healed, he says you are only to eat warm porridge to not aggravate your throat. The medicine is to stay any infection from the injury to your shoulder or the wounds on your hands.” He lifts a spoon of porridge to my mouth, and I consume it in silence. Upon finishing the bowl, No-Tak places it back on the try and sighs. My hands clench as I prepare myself for the coming conversation.

“No Tak-ah” I start, my voice hoarse and weak. He cuts me off before I can say anything more.

“Hyung.” He lifts his head and looks at me. He seems to have aged years from the recent events. “Hyung, what is this? What is happening?” Tears fill his eyes as he looks at me with devastation.

“I don’t know, No Tak-ah. I, I got so confused. I don’t know what I was trying to do but, I have truly failed.” He sighs and places his hand on mine. Tears begin to fall from my eyes and to the sheets settled at my waist. We sit in a tense silence for a few moments until he reaches for the bowl of medicine. He lifts it to my mouth and I have to repress the gagging caused by the bitter liquid going down my throat. When my stomach stops twisting in reaction to the medicine, I take a deep breath.

“The king,” I force out. The words spoken in a tight whisper, “what has happened to the king?”

No Tak stiffens, his back becoming rigid. His jaw clenches and the longer he is silent the faster my heart begins to race.

“You should have no right to ask about his highness.” A deep voice sounds as the door to the room opens. Song Ki walks into the room, his sword held tightly in his hand. No Tak immediately stands and steps away from the bed as the new leader of the guard approaches. Song Ki takes a moment and looks at me, assessing my bandages and the tray containing empty food and medicine bowls. He is silent for a few moments before he speaks again, voice tight with anger. “His highness ordered for no harm to come to you, for which you should be grateful. That is the only reason you are still alive.” He looks at me with outright aggression, and what I could identify as poorly repressed grief.

“Song Ki, please.” He does not let me continue.

“It was never a well kept secret that you and his highness had a relationship none of us could understand. And we all watched as you changed from a loyal, righteous, happy member of the guard into a secretive, distrustful man that none of us could recognize.” As he spoke, the words carved deep into my heart and caused me more pain that I was already suffering. “I never liked you Hong Lim. I was extremely jealous of the love and respect you received from his highness. I hated you for being what no one else could. But even still, I knew, you loved his highness, and you lead the guards so that he would forever be protected. So that no harm would come to him.” His voice has begun to tremble in what I initially thought was anger, but realize is actually sadness.

_ I never thought myself worthy of that. _

“So how could you become his greatest threat? How could you, who was so loved, turn your back not only on him, but on us? How could you expect us to pretend that his highness has not suffered due to your stupidity?” Song Ki is now openly crying. “What would you do, were you in our position? How are we to obey the orders of his highness to protect the one he caused him such pain?”

I could not bring myself to say anything. Only let my head bow in shame as my tears continue to fall. I can now hear No Tak sniffling, try not to cry himself. Song Ki says nothing for a few minutes, seemingly trying to regain his composure. Once he does, his voice has stopped trembling and his tears have stopped flowing.

“His last order was that you were to stay here, in his quarters until the time of his mourning.” My breath begins to stutter with my repressed sobs. Not wanting to face this future. “While your wounds have not healed as much as we would have hoped in the last several days, at least you are awake. Now get up.”

He reaches out to grasp my arm, attempting to lift me from the bed. No Tak rushes to my other side to assist. Sobs begin to break from my chest, tears now rushing from my eyes as they get me to my feet. I take small steps towards the door, Song Ki leading and No Tak supporting me from the side. As we reach the door, Song Ki pushes it open and steps into the hall. It is lined on both sides with guards, all with swollen eyes and red cheeks from crying. As I walk past them, I expect to feel hate and anger radiating off of them. Subconsciously wishing death on me for what I did to their king. Instead, they all look at me with pity and sadness. I find myself thinking I would rather have their hate.

_ Please. _

We walk through many halls, the occupants changing from guards to court maids and eunuchs. All kneeling on the ground dressed in white. My heart begins to pound, my sobs no longer suppressed as we reach the door to the mourning chambers. Song Ki takes a breath as he orders the doors opened. Inside glows with the white fabric adorning the room, momentarily blinding me. As my vision adjusts, I spot a figure bowing in the center of the room.

_ No, not the queen. I cannot see her. No. _

Song Ki steps to the side as No Tak helps lead me into the room. I resist for a moment, not ready to face the reality of a world without my king. Not ready to face the queen and the guilt she will lay upon me. Once I have been steadied on my feet, No tak leaves my side and I hear the doors close behind me. I stand stiff inside the doors. Wanting nothing more than to collapse from my grief. 

It takes several moments, but the figure straightens up. Slowly the figure turns to me, and my breath leaves my lungs.

“My king!” With strength I don’t have I rush across the room. My king kneels on the floor, a soft smile on his face. I drop to my knees before him, pressing my forehead into the ground. Sobbing into the wood while trying to process what I am seeing. I feel a hand placed on my back, gently patting along my spine. A habit he had developed when trying to console me.

Slowly his hand moves to my arm, applying gentle pressure to encourage me to sit up. When I do, my eyes immediately find his face, still slightly pale but wearing a soft smile. He opens his arms and I immediately find myself falling into them, burying my face into his chest, feeling his heartbeat against my cheek. Reassuring me that he is alive, that I am not dreaming.

_ He’s alive, he’s alive. How? Oh lord, he’s alive. Thank you. _

“My kind, my king,” I find myself repeating over and over again. I feel him huff a small laugh before he speaks.

“I’m okay Hong Lim-ah.” He says as I pull myself from his arms.

“H-How, I don’t understand.”

“The wound was deep, but caused no fatal damage, and the royal physician sealed the wound quickly. I slept for only a few days to regain my strength and begin healing. I will be okay.” He says as he wipes the tears from my cheeks.

“But, the mourning,” he gently interrupts me.

“It is not a mourning for me.” It immediately clicks. “The queen, she…” He seemed to struggle for words, but unable to find any he just sighed. “I’m sorry Hong Lim-ah.”

It suddenly hit me. “The baby…”

“Gone.”

Maybe it is wrong of me, but the knowledge that the queen had taken her own life, and the life of our child did not surprise me. The pain I feel at the news stemmed more from knowing that they were gone. The only woman I had ever loved and the baby I never had the chance to meet. But I feel shame for the relief that washed over me when I realized that my king was not lost to me.

“Hong Lim-ah. There is so much we need to say, and I don’t know how to start.” I take a few deep breaths, trying to organize my own thoughts.

“I lied to you, my king.” He says nothing. “I lied to you, I lied to the queen, and I lied to myself. Because I lied I brought so much pain to everyone. I put your highnesses life at risk. You nearly died because I keep making mistakes. The queen did die because of my mistakes. I have brought nothing but suffering to the palace.” He takes my hand and sighs.

“No, Hong Lim-ah. It is no one's fault but mine. What has happened is due to years of my blindness. I sought to be a great king. One who would do good by his people. I became king so young, and because of that I was naïve.”

“You have done great things for this country, my king. You are loved and respected because you understand your people.”

You are a great king. You have done things wrong.

“All the things I have been able to do, were because you were by my side. The only regret I have is that I took your life from you when you were so young. You were but a boy, and once I laid eyes on you, I was stunned by the beauty you radiated.” He gently strokes my cheek as he speaks. “When I saw you, I wanted you. I would have done anything to have you.”

“My king…”

“Please let me speak.” He rushes out. “Hong Lim-ah, you have been the driving force behind me for so many years. You have supported me when no one else has, and that has allowed for my love to grow into something dangerous. I would do anything for you. I have been prepared to kill for you. And that has led to you being put into danger. I had not meant to, but I made you reliant on me.” He removes his hands from me and pushes himself a small distance away from me. “You have my apologies.”

To my utmost surprise, he bows to me. “I’m so sorry, Hong Lim-ah.”

“Please, your highness, don’t.” I reach for him, begging him to rise again. “I have not done anything I did not want to do. I have no regrets in serving you. You say that you have wanted me since I was a boy, but your highness, I have loved you since I was that boy. Not once have you ever made me doubt you, or your feelings for me. You say you were naïve, but I think that is wrong. If either of us was naïve it would be me. My youth, and my naivety led me to betray you in the worst way.” I can’t stop the tears from falling again. “You nearly died because of me. How could you even want to look at me after what I have done.”

“Because I love you Hong Lim-ah.” I let those words wash over me. I had never realized just how amazing those words felt. Now I fear it is too late for me to receive them. I take a breath before bowing.

“My king, please order me executed.” I can hear the pain those words cause him, but before he can speak I continue. “I know that you will forgive me for what has happened. But there is no longer a place for me here. I can no longer be your guard for I have lost the trust and respect of my former comrades. I can no longer be by your side as a lover because I fear it will cause you further pain. I cannot imagine leaving the palace to live as a commoner, I have no skills that will allow for me to survive outside these walls. And I can not bear to live the rest of my life apart from you.” I begin to plead with my king. “Please, your highness, order me executed.” Before he can say anything, the door behind me flies open. 

“Please excuse me for my rudeness, your highness.” I hear Song Ki say as he enters the room, No Tak quietly echoing him as he too steps in. 

“Speak.”

“We of the royal guards understand the reasoning behind what he says. And the royal guard will obey whatever order his highness passes to us. However, we are all in agreement that Hong Lim is wrong in his words.” I sit up to see all the royal guards kneeling before the king.

_ What are they doing? _

“Continue.” The king says.

“Sire. All the guards have discussed our views on Hong Lim’s actions, and while we do agree that they were selfish and brought danger to your highness, we do not agree that they were actions done with the intent to do harm.” They all nod in agreement. “Your highness has always been safe with Hong Lim at your side. The guard has never been, nor will it ever be, as strong as it is with Hong Lim leading us.”

“What?” I find myself whispering.

“Please state your point.” The king says with a slight lilt of joy to the words.

“We, your guards, humbly request that Hong Lim be reinstated as leader of the royal guard.”

“Do you hear that, Hong Lim-ah?” I turn to face the king, a look of utter disbelief and confusion on my face.

“Sire?”

“You will need to heal quickly. The guards need their commander healthy in order to protect me.” They all bow with a thank you before being dismissed and leaving the room.

“Your highness, I hope you understand the repercussions of allowing me to remain here.”

“Of course I do.” He places a hand on my cheek, turning my face to him. He leans in and places a kiss on my lips that he does not hesitate to deepen. Forcing his tongue into my surprised, yet willing, mouth. Pulling a small moan from my chest. When he breaks the kiss, he rises to his feet, caring for his still healing wound. “Kneel, Hong Lim-ah.”

I immediately turn and bow, not caring for the way it pulls on my shoulder.

“Hong Lim-ah. You are here-by ordered to return to your post as leader of the royal guards, and begin all duties assigned to you by the king.”

Butterflies fill my stomach as I receive an order from my king.

“Yes, your highness.”


End file.
